Alright so, it's 4:01 AM and I am fucking wired. I've been in my dorm's basement/lounge studying accounting for the past... well since 9 PM. It's been a while since i've moved my legs. Feels bad man. But such is life. 

 

Mkay so where to start? Where I left off? Alright lehgo. So after that extremely embarrassing last-last post and then that meaningless Hell Week post... nothing really happened. Life went on. I didn't breakdown like a little bitch, I got through pledgeship, I got through finals, everything was as fine as it could be I suppose. No but really, being an official "Delt Brother" just meant that I didn't have to be at the frat house all the time... soooo basically I started never going because I resented it and the majority of the people that were affiliated with it so much. So yeah, I dropped that Delta Tau Delta bullshit. It's like... looking back i'm kind of glad I did it... but not really. I don't know, it's a hard thought to convey. You have to experience it I guess. It's just like, examine the process: get shit on for 3 three months, get MAJORLY shit on for a week straight, and then after all of the pure shit you've been put through, you're supposed to turn back around and be these guys' friend? The fuck kind of logic is that? From that whole experience I learned that I am the antithesis of a fratstar. That realization was pretty nice. I finally stopped lying to myself. Like honestly, this is what the Greek system is (this goes for sororities too): I pay over a thousand dollars a semester to be given the right to go to a shitty, run-down, dilapidated excuse for a mansion and play beer pong with a group of fags, 90% of whom I loathe, and occasionally be solicited by the insanely drunk, wizard-sleeve kind of worn out excuse of a walking vagina that call themselves "sorostitutes"? WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS? Like are people that desperate to belong to something bigger than themselves that they are willing to essentially buy their friends and forfeit their personalities in the process? Apparently the answer is fuck yes, because all I see are fratstars around UGA with their matching sperrys and their visors and their ugly ass sunglasses with croakies (that shit they put on the end of their sunglasses so they can hang it around their neck, you know what i'm talking about?). Like who the FUCK decided that was swag? I don't see Dwayne Wade or Ryan Gosling wearing that wack shit. Maybe John Deere or George W. Bush decided that was swag. I don't know who it was, but they obviously had to be either extremely retarded or blind. But hey I mean if they want to wear camo in the paved streets of UGA's campus then who the fuck am I to say they shouldn't? 

 

Uhhh okay so aside from gay frat shit, I had finals. That was the most stressful 7 days of my life. Long story short, my efforts were pretty much fruitless as I received a 2.5 GPA for my first college semester. Way to set the bar high Jake. Fuck man I piss myself off so much. I am the scrubiest motherfucker in the world. Ugh, anyways.

This semester i've been on my grind. Well, I've only had one quiz so far (which I got a fuckin 100% on, lehgo). I had a test too but that was earlier today and it hasn't been graded yet. But i've been studying, consistently. I'm caught up in all of my school work, like i've done all the reading bullshit that I never used to do in Highschool that supplements the lecture. It feels good. I feel kinda over prepared sometimes but I guess that's better than under prepared. 

So i'm not sure how I feel about the whole Tuesday/Thursday only schedule. Like it's really nice to have all this free time, but I have like, no idea how to spend it. Usually I end up sleeping it away. I'll go to bed at like 4 AM on Friday and wake up at 4 PM... and just like that my day is over. It's not like I have a Lifetime I can go to at night. Everything's closed. So it's just me in my little dorm room with my laptop, looking for tv shows to watch. Such a sad existence I lead. Honestly looking from a totally objective point of view i'd probably say I was the most uninteresting kid ever. Damn I haven't even thought about that before... Well I guess I have. But... I don't know. I keep telling myself that my life will "peak" in my mid to late twenties. I'll go to fancy ass parties with stock brokers and that kinda yuppie revelry bullshit. But recently my future looks so more and more unclear. I can only tell myself i'll be CEO 10k a day for so long before I stop believing it. Which kinda sucks you know? Like damn where are all of our childhood aspirations now? I wanted to be a lead guitarist for a rock band. And now my goal is to retire when i'm 50. What kind of fucked up, displaced world do we live in? *sigh* .........I was just about to type "If only..." but then I realized like, if only what? What can be changed that would affect, anything. Fuck why am I rambling? This is supposed to be about school, and about myself. Not fucking society.

Aite so I have a class with Emilie, she's a bitch in real life too. It's whatever. That was all a figment of my imagination. 

So there's this girl in my Spanish 2002 class. She looks extremely similar to Emma Watson. She cute. She seems pretty in to me too. We barely have a chance to talk since it's spanish class and we are forced to speak in spanish and only when called on and all that bullshit. But I don't know. She's cool. We'll see where it goes I guess. Probably nowhere, and I mean that's straight. But hey, ya never know. But even if I did get to know her better, eventually she'd want to like, go out or whatever with my friends/with her friends. And like, my friends at UGA basically consist of Tim Oh. Like he's the only person I've actually like eaten dinner with because I actually want to. And that's just because he's in one of my classes. If we didn't have a class together then it'd be Forever Alone status. So if she asks like what do I do friday nights? Oh yeah you know, just go to the SLC, crack open a few textbooks, shit gets pretty wild. Fuckin sike dude. I don't know she doesn't seem like a fucking rager like all the other hoes at UGA, but shit, I guarantee she's not up at 4:30 writing in a blog that only 4 people see. But hey, such is life.

That's what sucks about us being so far apart. Like we make a good ass team. Everyone loves us. Remember that summer? The Golden fucking Summer. We did it big. Together we are a pretty sick crew. And we don't even do anything crazy. Like fuck we go to the park, or Kara's basement. And sometimes it sucks dick but most of the time we make that shit fun, real fun. Imagine if we were all together at the same college. That'd be like, nonstop Golden Summer status. Golden.... fucking LIFE. Damn dude. I just thought about it. That was probably the happiest time of my life. Fuck what if that's the happiest i'll ever be? Fuckin sophomore year summer. And everything else is downhill......

Mkay gotta talk about something else before I slit my wrists. So i've been hitting the gym consistently this semester, getting back my beautiful body that I lost. It sucks man, knowing how strong you were and not being able to push out the same weight. Feels like... so underachieved. But it's coming back pretty steadily. And i'm not like real skinny/fat. It's more of an ego thing probably.

I noticed recently, when I walk, I don't look up, I look like towards where i'm about to walk on the ground. I've tried to like, look up at the fuckin world around me. But this habit is like impossible to break. I feel like i've probably missed out on so much shit just because I haven't been looking up. It's probably analogous to my low self esteem :/ Just kidding. My self esteem is pretty average i'd say. I still think i'm better than everyone heh.

Alright so over winter break I made around $800 working as an "intern" for the company my dad works at. The work was so shitty and that was the longest three weeks of my life, but it was worth it. The reason I'm saying this is because now basically all of that money is gone... I have like a little over $100 left in my bank account. I've seriously been buying so much shit lately. Like it's all pretty useless. I mean, it's nice shit. But I don't NEED it you know? I could save it. But I don't. Anyways so I think the reason is because I'm literally lonely as fuck. Drowning my sorrows and loneliness in material things. I'm trying to think back to the break, I think I saw you guys like 4 times total. That's pretty fucked up for 3 and 1/2 weeks of free time. And I haven't been home yet this semester. Which isn't helping. But don't get me wrong. I'm not like suffocating in loneliness or anything. It's actually like, nice, but really dull. Just like a grey tint has been put over my life. The highlights of my days are usually working out. Which is only because I usually wake up after the buses stop running so I have to walk to the gym in the freezing ass cold. I just want to like, be with you fags. Forever. One never ending sleepover in Kara's basement lehgooo.

My hair grew out REALLY shit-ily from that buzz cut I got. It looks wack as hell. But I don't want to get another haircut for fear of looking even wacker. Hm, the decisions.

I can't wait for this bonfire shit that's going down this weekend. Like I can tell it's either gonna be like EXTREMELY wack or fuckin awesome. Imma be trying for the latter.

I might transfer to Tech. I've been thinking about it ever since the start of the semester. What is keeping me here? Not much. I can tell you that much heh. But we'll see. It's just a thought for now. 

Guys like, I fucking hate Will. Like I like him, but I fucking hate him. I swear, everythign I say, just like for example, "oh hey man I was thinking of joining this group at uga" Will ALWAYS says something bad about it, "nah dude that shit sucks. Engineering's where it's at. The shit i'm doing is so hard right now fuxx you would die, straight up" I'm like dude fuck your chink ass. Seriously like if you're gonna bitch all the time about it then maybe you should change your fucking major, or just shut the fuck up please. Like this dude has some sort of complex where he has to be the one with the MOST. Whether it's the most homework or the most money or the most fucking rice. And you can fucking bet he'll tell you about it too. Me: "dude i just got this tight ass pen called ______" Will: "oh yeah? hah, I had that three years ago, it's all about _______ now. I have three." Like Will, please, shut the hell up you cocky bastard. And it just really always pisses me off how he has to cheat every system in the fucking world. Like "Dude I just yelled at this customer service rep at microsoft and they're sending me a brand new keyboard"......... like who the fuck does that? That poor ass person on the other end of the line doesn't deserve Will's ass yelling at them over some made up shit. But anyways. I digress. Honestly I hate Will, but I love it too because it makes me want to shut his ass up so I do better in school. I fucking hate-study all the time. Like i'll be memorizing definitions, "deferred expenses are resources paid for prior to receiving the actual benefits, yeah will take that shit you chinky ass bitch" Shit's gay, maybe i'm just a fag. But his bitchass is a powerful motivator. 

I have been drinking a lot of coffee lately. Shit is expensive. I need to stop. But Jittery Joe's is too good. That white chocolate Mocha... mmmmmmmmm fuck. I wish it was open right now.

My intramural playoff game is in like 13 hours. Fuck man. How am I supposed to study, sleep, AND break people's ankle's in such a small amount of time? There aren't enough minute in the day.

I finished the show Californication recently, well watched all the episodes up until the new ones. It's so tight. Hank, the main character is like that guy. THAT guy. He always gets the bitches too, even though he only wants Karen. It's funny how we can have all this shit but we never really have what we truly want. 

Damn i've been listening to Classical music on pandora for like 8 hours straight. What the hell am I doingggggg?

Hawks are lookin pretty fuckin beast this year. 4th in the power rankings? Uh LEHGO. But I know they won't win a title so it's like, I can only be so happy. But whatever. I'm excited to watch some good basketball.

Fuck man, Hannah livingston retweeted one of my tweets to 609 of her fucking followers and I have yet to receive one new email saying that I have a new follower. Like seriously only 44 people really care enough to read my tweets? Fuck twitter man. It's all about xanga.

Oh yeah, Luigi isn't allowed to use my TV anymore. I'm pretty sure all you guys know. But yeah, he's not allowed. He was pissed at first. But he got over it.

Alright honestly, I know everyone is thinking it, so i'll just say it. Brock looks like a fucking caveman.............. oops.

Kara what do you want for your birthday?

 

 

I'm all out of shit to say. Sorry my post today wasn't full of as many profanities and gloominess.

I don't know what the fuck i'm doing. I swear to god i feel like i'm about to have a nervous breakdown or some shit. All of this school shit and being alone as fuck and all these fake ass friends i'm supposed to pretend to like at the frat.... it's just so much to handle all at once. Like i thought college was supposed to be fun as fuck but i'm just stressed. All i have are deadlines and more deadlines like that shit never fucking ends. I have a to-do list for school on my wall and i literally have only crossed out 4 things out of like 20 because i'm always busy with frat shit. I keep telling myself that it'll be worth it in the end but goddamn it i really cannot see the light at the end of this fucking tunnel. It wouldn't be a big deal to just quit if all of you were up there with me but if i quit then i really will be the loneliest motherfucker in the world. And i swear i feel like the biggest fucking pussy right now because I thought i'd be able to handle this shit no sweat. But it's sooo hard. I took so much shit for granted before and now i realize it. I took you guys for granted and now i regret the fuck out of it. Fuck i want to drop out so bad and just chill in gwinnett forever with you guys. But this is my life now, and it fucking sucks. I would give anything to go back to senior year and live out that shit for the rest of my life. But i can't, and I just want to punch a hole through the goddamn wall because i feel like i wasted all that time and never really enjoyed myself. I feel like i really do not connect with any fucking person here. I wish i could just hang out with you guys forever holy shit. I can only numb myself for so long until i start to miss the fuck out of you guys seriously so bad. And i've had to DD the past like two days, driving drunk ass older people back and forth where ever and it seriously sucks. Like is this what i'll become? these fuckers literally scare the shit out of me. They yell and shit and i can't tell if they're serious or not and fuck. It's just so stressful. And this fucking post really isn't going to change shit because I still have to memorize all this frat shit for tomorrow night along with all the fuckign work i missed while i was sick. and regular shit on top of that. Fuck when will it fucking end? I would've dropped the fraternity by now if i hadn't already paid $1000 in dues. And then what would i do then anyways? chill in my dorm 24/7? fuck that sounds so fucking nice. FUCK WHY does college suck so much dick for me? 

 

okay i'll spare you the rest of my emotions

Okay so i just read one of my old private entries... all i gotta say is i'm inspiring. Fuck forgot where i was going with this.

Alright so its like 10:30 and i'm supposed to be asleep by this time but i'm too busy eating this canned chicken breast that's dry as fuck and gross as fuck. But i gotta do what I gotta do. This is just some shitty means to a stylin end. I gained 4 pounds since i started my pseudo-diet. Shit feels good. My goal is 150 lbs by summer. I think it's a pretty real goal. And once i reach it i'm going to get a buzz cut. Forreal. Not gonna lie it feels good to making substantial progress. To think at one time i could barely bench 95 pounds... shit. But now its good. I know what i'm doing, what's good and what's not. And i look forward to working out every fucking day. So anyways... i'm 133 and counting.

So school is pretty tight. It's not even stressful really. My classes are tight. I don't really have that much homework. Except for AP Lang. Fucking Ms. Hicks's ass. At the beginnign i thought she was so gay but then I read her bio on the school website and she has some beast credentials. Like harvard kinda shit. So even if I don't like her I still respect her. Team sports is sweaty as shit. And I hate the way Derek plays. I hate Derek. Fucking fouling and shit. AP gov is kinda gay. So many notes. But i'm killin it so its cool. Sociology is interesting. Ms. Costello is tight, but she seems so unorganized, which is something that pisses me off about teachers. Like Ms. York, that hippie fucker. Oh and i don't think i turned in like half of the work we've done so far... My bad.

I hate Derek. He's so gay. I like how he thinks he's big just because he works out with Garrett. Wearing wifebeaters and shit... sucks dick at ball even though he's so fucking tall. I think i hate everything about him. And his pimply ass back. Shit is vile. His nose is enormous, his eyes are literally on the opposite sides of his head. Fuck

So eric's been pissing me off lately too. It's like ever since he's "gotten" Allie he's changed. Like I asked him if Allie asked him for a ride if he'd give her one every day and he said he would. So you won't give me, one of your really good friends a ride, when it's on the way fucking home and i'd pay you a dollar every fucking day, but you'll give some bitch who you haven't even known for a month one. How can you betray someone like that? Shit just fucking BAFFLES my mind. Yeah and he used to laugh and shit all the time and now its like he's trying to be Zen master or something. The only time he ever even like giggles is when i make fun of the fuckers in our sociology class. Otherwise he's so BORING. Honestly I don't think him and allie will last long at all. Or maybe they will because they're both boring so they can be boring together. It also baffles my mind how Eric is the object of contention between Allie and Lauren. The only comparison I can make is like Matt Chow choosing to buy some shitty mexi-van instead of his beamer. But whatever.

Anthonty keeps talking about prom with glen. Makes me think about it. I seriously do not even want to go. School dances=gay as hell, but I don't want to look back and hate myself for not going. So i'll go. The only question is, who to take? I'm really not worried because its like 8 months away but still.. can't let the date sneak up on me. gotta prepare.

I seriously think that the little circle after school is so gay. Hah like i have absolutely no desire to hear about what coochi squad is doing or who is going to lifetime. Because really that's all that anyone talks about in the circle. "You goin to lt? What time?" fucking repeat 8x and then it's time to go.

Aamir's always in a bad mood. Fuck it. Fuck him. He's just insecure about Anisha or whatever that girl's name is. It sounds black, lmfao. She had a big nose. oops

I love getting paid. That money burns through my pocket though. I have a list of things I want, and I've only crossed off one of the things so far. Shit's gay. I need a new phone and new basketball shoes. So that's around 350$ heh. God knows i'm not about to make that shit next paycheck. Fuck it. Step by step. Eye's down and before you know it you're there, know what i mean.

Seriously everyone at the IF does hardcore drugs. Like all these fuckers are getting together and are gonna smoke salvia or some shit. I've never even heard of that shit. I hope one day we all get randomly drug tested and I pass and everyone else get's fired. What's up.

It pisses me off how close minded we all are. I can almost guarantee that each of us will smoke some weed after it gets legalized in the next few years. And i don't want you little niggas to miss out. Actually I don't really care. But honestly the only reason we don't do it is because shit's illegal. I'm not going to burn that bridge and miss out later in life.

Lupe Fiasco is one of my favorite rappers. I cannot wait until LASERS comes out. Stupid Atlantic Record bitchasses.

I really want a bracelet. My wrists feel so empty. But I dont' want a gay one and I don't want to have one just to have one. It has to mean something.



So I just wipe the cool from my eye...